conversation about crushes
September 18, 2008I have to admit that I have spent much of this past week living inside my own head. Sure I got up, had some form of breakfast conversation, drove to work, went to class, attended meetings, etc, etc, but most of the time my brain has been turning and turning over the same events, doubts, fears and questions. Unfortunately much of this huge outpouring of thinking and pondering revolves around a boy. Which always frustrates me because, well I hate falling into the stereotype of a woman whose life (or in this case brain) revolves around a man. You see, me and crushes don’t really get along and we never really had. Maybe its because I have had so few experiences with crushes actually leading to relationships, or maybe its because I just find them annoying. Either way spending my precious brain time and emotional energy, trying to analyze the big question of “What does this boy think of me?” wears me out. Plus in this type of situation I tend to have rather circular rounds of conversation with myself. So in order to let you all in on a little bit of the crazy that has been my mental process this past week, here is a little peak at my thought process.
Fluffy pink brain: Oooh, look he is talking to you, let’s go do cartwheels in the park!
Voice of doubt/reason: Hmmm, I don’t think talking to you equates wanting to runaway with you and have lots of babies.
Fluffy pink brain: But look he is wearing a sweater and has such nice eyes, we should totally get married.
Voice of doubt/reason: You are being completely ridiculous, enough of this. There is no way he is interested, so you should completely forget about it.
Fluffy pink brain: Whatever Ms. Negative, he definitely likes spending time with me and that has to mean something!
Voice of doubt/reason: Hey do you really want to get rejected? You want to risk that? Cause he probably just likes hanging out with you, as he does lots of girls, so you are definitely not anything special.
Fluffy pink brain: [hangs head] Really, you don’t think there is even a chance he might want to date or something?
Voice of doubt/reason: Well I guess there is a small chance that he might, but is it really worth talking to him and being so vulnerable and risky just to find out that there is yet another guy who isn’t interested in dating you?
Fluffy pink brain: Hey now, that’s mean, stop being so negative or you will totally end up a bitter old 25 year old, just because other guys haven’t been interested in the past doesn’t mean he won’t. And if you keep acting so mean, I am totally gonna make you watch a chick flick!
Voice of doubt/reason: [grumbling] Fine, fine go ahead ahead and be all vulnerable and risky, just don’t make me watch the Notebook, or I am totally gonna organize a Lord of the Rings marathon!
Mennogirl 
I definitely go through this a lot.
it takes a lot of building up before I’ll actually admit dead-on to a guy that I’m interested (though generally I hope he’d picked up on that notice by that time)…
… it’s sort of why I like doing that in the beginning stages of friendship — just get it out of the way… as my brother says (and many others), “Go big or go home”..
I’ve dealt with a lot of crushes and a lot of rejection in the past 3 years. It’s been pretty hard. But I move on, continue with the friendships, and keep hoping that I’ll connect with someone who respects and appreciates me.
… granted, it does mean that my offline, tangible journals are filled with a lot of ramblings about how attractive I find a certain guy and my bantering about how he’s probably not interested but I’m still going to try…
Though I love Dan and am super happy being married (thankfully!), sometimes I kind of miss having a crush. The last one I had was on him and that was back in 2001.
So enjoy your crush. Viva la crush!
I love that your Voice of Reason brain likes LOTR. hee.
Ah yes, the musings of a lonely mind. At least you actually do spend some time with that person that you have a crush on. I haven’t even seen or talked to the guy I seem to be somewhat smitten with in about a year or so. I tend to dwell on those “what if!” moments and the “could have been’s” and “well, if I ever see him again…” Blarg!
PS – His brother still lives next door, so I tend to think that there could actually possibly be a chance of me seeing him again at some point.
You seem to have been very captivated by his sweater – what colour? I expect that Roman women likewise focused on togas that held promise of blissful futures, and way back, the elegant mammoth pelt must have been equally enchanting. Why do we do it? Anyway, it’s a nice state to be in, so enjoy!
Thanks for your lovely comments folks and the great email response I got from Meryl. It is always nice to have the crazy things inside your head affirmed in some way by other people. And mirabella, the sweater if I remember was a pretty unassuming tan, but don’t get me started on the time he wore a suit… 🙂
I, too, have a fluffy pink brain and a voice of doubt/reason (my do battle over all sorts of things)–I just never knew their names. Thanks for introducing them to me and making me laugh at the same time!
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