conversation about crushesSeptember 18, 2008
I have to admit that I have spent much of this past week living inside my own head. Sure I got up, had some form of breakfast conversation, drove to work, went to class, attended meetings, etc, etc, but most of the time my brain has been turning and turning over the same events, doubts, fears and questions. Unfortunately much of this huge outpouring of thinking and pondering revolves around a boy. Which always frustrates me because, well I hate falling into the stereotype of a woman whose life (or in this case brain) revolves around a man. You see, me and crushes don’t really get along and we never really had. Maybe its because I have had so few experiences with crushes actually leading to relationships, or maybe its because I just find them annoying. Either way spending my precious brain time and emotional energy, trying to analyze the big question of “What does this boy think of me?” wears me out. Plus in this type of situation I tend to have rather circular rounds of conversation with myself. So in order to let you all in on a little bit of the crazy that has been my mental process this past week, here is a little peak at my thought process.
Fluffy pink brain: Oooh, look he is talking to you, let’s go do cartwheels in the park!
Voice of doubt/reason: Hmmm, I don’t think talking to you equates wanting to runaway with you and have lots of babies.
Fluffy pink brain: But look he is wearing a sweater and has such nice eyes, we should totally get married.
Voice of doubt/reason: You are being completely ridiculous, enough of this. There is no way he is interested, so you should completely forget about it.
Fluffy pink brain: Whatever Ms. Negative, he definitely likes spending time with me and that has to mean something!
Voice of doubt/reason: Hey do you really want to get rejected? You want to risk that? Cause he probably just likes hanging out with you, as he does lots of girls, so you are definitely not anything special.
Fluffy pink brain: [hangs head] Really, you don’t think there is even a chance he might want to date or something?
Voice of doubt/reason: Well I guess there is a small chance that he might, but is it really worth talking to him and being so vulnerable and risky just to find out that there is yet another guy who isn’t interested in dating you?
Fluffy pink brain: Hey now, that’s mean, stop being so negative or you will totally end up a bitter old 25 year old, just because other guys haven’t been interested in the past doesn’t mean he won’t. And if you keep acting so mean, I am totally gonna make you watch a chick flick!
Voice of doubt/reason: [grumbling] Fine, fine go ahead ahead and be all vulnerable and risky, just don’t make me watch the Notebook, or I am totally gonna organize a Lord of the Rings marathon!