Archive for October 30th, 2008


surviving unevenness

October 30, 2008

No surprises here, I am still busy.  Sometimes I am busy in a boring school/work kind of way, other times it is a meetings/obligations/social things kind of way.  Either way I don’t entirely feel like I am handling it well.  For example today on break, I started crying because I had missed hanging out with my friends last night (thank you library school).  Or earlier this week when I went on a two day nostalgia fest by rereading lots of gchats and emails from the glorious post college summer of 2006.*  Some of that reading has reminded me of past crushes that I had forgotten I had felt so strongly about.  Some of that reading reminds me of how that summer is a little bit like my life right now.

Back then I was living at home with my parents, working two part time jobs and finishing up an online art appreciation course.  Now I am living in a house with lovely people, all a bit older than myself, working a full time job and taking two evening classes.  Back then I had a huge crush on a rather hard to read fellow who I was planning a bit road trip with.  Now I have a crush on a rather hard to read fellow who I take walks with and plan parties with.  Back then some of my friends were in Colorado, some of them were in Seattle, basically a good number of them weren’t in Goshen.  Now I have good friends a lot of places that aren’t Evanston and too top it off, I rarely have time to hang out with my great friends that do actually live near me.

Essentially what I really want to do with this post is whine a little bit about my life, especially how I don’t like not seeing my friends.  Because here’s the deal, along with being fun to be around, etc, my close girlfriends are one of the biggest ways I stay sane.  While I really love my new housemates, I haven’t really gotten to the point where I can have really deep conversations about boys, life, classes, tv shows, etc with them.  And I don’t feel close enough to them to just let myself have a good cry when I need it.  So instead I flit around, attending meetings, going to work & classes, occasionally forcing myself to actually complete an assignment, all while feeling stretched thinner and thinner.

Of course thoughts like this tend to make me nose dive back towards quitting my job and working part time while finishing grad school.  But then I realize (as I sit at work, writing this blog) that my job is a pretty cushy one and it would be highly doubtful that Starbucks would pay me quite as much money to sit around answering student’s questions.

So yes, this post is also a good example of the uneven nature of my life right now: planned, full of good things, but also driving you and me both a little crazy.

*The one plus in all of that was remembering the great time my brothers and I had surprising our parents with a visit from the supposedly-living-across-the Atlantic-Tim on Father’s day.  I reread the email my dad sent the family about it and got a lot of warm fuzzies from that and this awesome picture.

Dad, Mom, Abby & Jonathan

Dad, Mom, Abby & Jonathan