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a little bit of realness

October 17, 2007

Okay, well that last update, maybe not entirely honest. Well, yes it was honest, but like many things in life, not really the complete truth. You see life these days hasn’t been going super, in fact its been downright hard. Now I know you are thinking to yourself, oh boy here comes another one of those depressed angsty blog posts, and well you are right. All I can say is that I will try to get this across without using any all lowercase sentences and depressed smiley faces.* But if I want this blog to be at least a blurry reflection of my life, I should probably write what I think/feel. **

So the big thing is that right now I am lonely. Maybe not the most surprising idea, much of this world is full of sorrows way bigger than mine and the number of lonely individuals right now in this city alone is higher than my cat can count. But the thing is I don’t know how to fix this and that in and of itself is very scary.

Maybe a little back story would help you out here. I graduated from college almost a year and half ago and moved away from my college town to the city of Chicago. College was a great time for me, I started friendships that are the deepest I have ever had, laughed harder than I ever had before, went streaking, heard incredibly wise lectures, wrote papers, stayed up way too late just talking with people. But in other ways college was the hardest time of my life, I got hurt more than I ever had, doubted myself more too, I wasn’t always a good friend and life was hard sometimes.

Yet I would never have expected to be looking back on my first year out of college and find myself feeling like college was the good ole’ days. Sure I expected transition to be rough what with the apartment living, real job holding, etc, but I expected improvement. I have always had a strong belief in the next big thing in life to be better (I assume most people have this, because why else do people move forward), but here I find myself actually feeling like my world has shrunk. Life in the real world hasn’t been the catalyst of meeting new people, going to pubs together, seeing shows, making new friends, etc that I thought it would be.

My life seems so small and cut-off these days. Sure, I am surrounded by a community of amazing people, many of whom I think are quite fabulous. Yet even with my attempts to join in with those around me, I still feel incredibly disconnected. The thought that really got to me tonight was realizing that if I wanted to go to coffee with someone tomorrow night, I wouldn’t even know who to call.*** And I have to say that idea makes me really sad and what makes it harder is that I don’t have a plan on how to change it.

*Already at this point I can feel the urge to self-censor in this one, the dueling pressures to use this space in an honest way and the desire to just be funny, light and random are two rather opposing ones.

**With an intro like this, I am probably beginning to scare my parents

***This is in no way meant to lessen the incredible roommates I have or my great brother and sister-in-law I have living nearby

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5 comments

  1. sorry life seems a bit tough for you at the moment.


  2. sorry to hear this…. and I hope you develop a better plan than mine–I’ve become a depressed hermit.


  3. babe, i hear you. i’ve been feeling the same way lately – and i’m still in goshen!

    my solution has been to search for new hobbies.


  4. Lonliness is a state that can grip us anytime, even when you are surrounded by people and even when you can think of six people to have coffee with.

    The best advice I have for you Possum is to do things that make you feel happy. A solution will come to you when you least expect it. (Councelling helps too).

    But there’s nothing wrong with down time, reflective time. I think its how we work out what we actually value.

    Did writing it help?


  5. Hi Abby,

    I’ve felt the same way at times (and even still do, despite the Superhero and the kitties). I live 1200 miles away from most of my friends and family, and sometimes the distance can feel immense.

    I don’t really have any advice, other than maybe branch out a little bit – join a group, start going to events you might not otherwise go to. Like megan said, maybe a new hobby? The best friends I have have come from unexpected places and situations.

    Also, maybe some of it is post-trip letdown? You went on an amazing adventure, though in itself it was probably a bit isolating, and now you’re home and nothing has changed as much as you have I bet. I think bindi’s advice is spot-on, that there’s nothing wrong with some reflective time.



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