a little bit of realnessOctober 17, 2007
Okay, well that last update, maybe not entirely honest. Well, yes it was honest, but like many things in life, not really the complete truth. You see life these days hasn’t been going super, in fact its been downright hard. Now I know you are thinking to yourself, oh boy here comes another one of those depressed angsty blog posts, and well you are right. All I can say is that I will try to get this across without using any all lowercase sentences and depressed smiley faces.* But if I want this blog to be at least a blurry reflection of my life, I should probably write what I think/feel. **
So the big thing is that right now I am lonely. Maybe not the most surprising idea, much of this world is full of sorrows way bigger than mine and the number of lonely individuals right now in this city alone is higher than my cat can count. But the thing is I don’t know how to fix this and that in and of itself is very scary.
Maybe a little back story would help you out here. I graduated from college almost a year and half ago and moved away from my college town to the city of Chicago. College was a great time for me, I started friendships that are the deepest I have ever had, laughed harder than I ever had before, went streaking, heard incredibly wise lectures, wrote papers, stayed up way too late just talking with people. But in other ways college was the hardest time of my life, I got hurt more than I ever had, doubted myself more too, I wasn’t always a good friend and life was hard sometimes.
Yet I would never have expected to be looking back on my first year out of college and find myself feeling like college was the good ole’ days. Sure I expected transition to be rough what with the apartment living, real job holding, etc, but I expected improvement. I have always had a strong belief in the next big thing in life to be better (I assume most people have this, because why else do people move forward), but here I find myself actually feeling like my world has shrunk. Life in the real world hasn’t been the catalyst of meeting new people, going to pubs together, seeing shows, making new friends, etc that I thought it would be.
My life seems so small and cut-off these days. Sure, I am surrounded by a community of amazing people, many of whom I think are quite fabulous. Yet even with my attempts to join in with those around me, I still feel incredibly disconnected. The thought that really got to me tonight was realizing that if I wanted to go to coffee with someone tomorrow night, I wouldn’t even know who to call.*** And I have to say that idea makes me really sad and what makes it harder is that I don’t have a plan on how to change it.
*Already at this point I can feel the urge to self-censor in this one, the dueling pressures to use this space in an honest way and the desire to just be funny, light and random are two rather opposing ones.
**With an intro like this, I am probably beginning to scare my parents
***This is in no way meant to lessen the incredible roommates I have or my great brother and sister-in-law I have living nearby