h1

things I lie awake and fume/think about

August 24, 2006

First off, this kind of rambly thought only really takes off after 11pm at night, most often when the lights are turned off and the rest of the rooms occupants are trying to sleep. But anyways in contemplating life, the universe, god and everything, I have come to the conclusion that much of my belief in god is based on my sincere desire/need for such a god to exist. You may think that this is because I need that kind of concept to make the world make sense, or that I see the divine as the necessary link to meaning outside of individual petty lives and yes that would be true. However a large part of that is because without the existence of a god, I am not sure I’ll be able to be happy in content in life. Why? Well because for that to happen in my life, one of two things needs to happen. I need to either have a serious romantic long-term relationship with a man (preferably involving marriage and at some point kids) or I need to learn how to be fulfilled and happy as a long-term single person. And in all honesty at this point in my life I tend to see both of these outcomes as miracles, hence the divine need.

As a 22 year old college educated and fairly independently minded woman, you may think this romantic relationship concern a little out of place. I mean really, who needs a man? Well technically I am fully aware that I don’t need a man in my life, but in the past few years I have finally begun to be honest with myself about how much I want one. Not to play the pity card (because seriously that is not what I need), but at 22 years, despite countless crushes, and a few sporadic “dates”, and one long messy semi-relationship (which got off the ground only long enough for me to experience some of the worst parts of romantic involvements) I have been decidedly single. Now obviously one can hardly count one’s self as “single” before 16 or so, but even so that is almost 7 years of playing the best friends, giving romantic advice, without a single real romantic relationship.

So of course the obvious question remains, why? Well according to most of my friends, I seem to have a good personality. While I might not dazzle everyone at parties with my stellar dance moves, ability to toss back 20 shots of alcohol, or talk to 20 different strangers, I do seem to be able to make people feel at ease and tell a few funny stories occasionally. But in the end, life does not give hold many “scholarship pageants” for personality. That leaves me with the big question of “am I just not pretty enough”. So there is the crux of the matter, body image issues. The plague that effects women everywhere and has been written about everywhere by thousands of woman. And you thought this post might be actually about god or something.

Now there really isn’t a good end to this post, and I mean I have body-image issues that tend to center in on my weight. Well welcome to one of the biggest issues for Western women today. If for some strange reason, this issue isn’t familiar to you all, try checking out either The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf or maybe “The Good Body” by Eve Ensler.

Well I think this writing before bed thing has actually paid off in that I am now growing tired, maybe some other night I will write more about this whole mess. Goodnight, moon.

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